Moods reflective
5 min read
I’m sure a lot of us have that little voice in our head that likes to whisper not so nice things to us. Surely, I can’t be the only one, right? Also: exciting life update: I have my blue/purple hair back!
It hardly matters what I am doing: that little voice likes to be a pest by poking and prodding the recesses of my mind to dig up real, and sometimes fake, reasons why I am not “good enough” or “not a real X”. Other times, I find myself wondering what I’m doing somewhere or why I was invited to be part of a meeting. Sometimes it’s the little voice, but sometimes it is also humorous self-reflections of disbelief more along the lines of “how did I end up where I am today?”. However, today isn’t about that part, I’m here to write about the weird feelings caused by the impostor syndrome that I know is all too common in my line of work.
In case you didn’t know: I’m a software engineer and consultant that works on new and existing Salesforce implementations for clients. One of the weirdest feelings that I’ve gotten from this job, besides the incredible awkwardness that comes from being in a meeting amongst the client in-fighting, is “Am I really qualified to make these sort of decisions?”
A lot of times I’ll contrast two different parts of my mind: the logical part and the emotional part. You all know what I’m talking about here: you have a knee-jerk (emotional) reaction to something and a few moments later, the rest of your (logical) brain kicks in and grabs the steering wheel before anything stupid comes out of your mouth. It works most of the time, right?
Let me paint you a picture: I’m sitting or standing at my desk in the home office staring at some of the worst code I have ever seen written (and for once it’s not mine from a year ago). I’ve been grinding at this for 5 hours straight with only my water bottle yellow rubber duck for support through this nightmare of spaghetti code that violates every best practice Salesforce publishes and several items from the Geneva Convention. All of a sudden, I’m shaken from my fugue state of angry keyboard click clacks to hear my partner giggling and laughing at a game. For a split second, I feel frustration about how I’m going through a torment so horrendous that it simply cannot be described in words. I think to myself “what the hell, how is she allowed to have fun when I’m here working my butt off?” But that only lasts for a few moments because the logical part of my brain takes back over and remembers all the hard work she does day to day and how she, too, deserves to have time off and enjoy herself.
That split between the emotional reaction and the logical reasoning moments after is what, I think, makes a good partner. It’s probably a valid emotion to feel frustration over the extreme tedium of combing through code that should be deemed illegal and a war crime, but it’s incredibly important to not direct that at my partner. Most of the time (95%+) I get a good roll and am able to course correct, as I should, to let the logical brain resume command. The other 5% aren’t the end of the world, but generally require some discussion and reflection afterwards.
The short answer is: yes. I have proven this to myself and others repeatedly since I officially started my career in mid-2019. Oh hey, look at that, I’ve been doing this for 6 years now, woo! Back to the question at hand: yes I am good enough. I wouldn’t be where I am today if I was not and I wouldn’t be placed into the roles I am if I wasn’t. But here’s the thing: that’s the logical brain doing what it needs to do and answering the question based on empirical evidence from doing this for six years and continuing to move up in the career ladder.
The problem arises when I, or anyone else, get too far in my own head and start questioning everything for no real reason. This is when the “what ifs” starting flying one way and the “but what about this” start flying another direction. Honestly, it’s a chaotic mess of ultimately meaningless words that has only been seen during cafeteria food fights when alphabet soup is the single meal available. The emotional brain, in times like this, almost seems to enjoy causing panic and pandemonium, whereas normally it operates on positive emotions like love and compassion. It’s a lot like Inside Out 2 when anxiety takes control of the protagonist. I’m sure this is all based on some deep rooted defense mechanical that has managed to go awry: after all not all stress is bad.
Sometimes I’m anxious about the project timeline and I’m wondering how the heck I got put in charge of something on the critical path. Other times I’m bewildered that I have the responsibility of making major architectural decisions for small businesses to Fortune 500 companies. It’s a weird feeling and if left unchecked, the impostor syndrome can run wild.
There’s also this weird thing where I still don’t always see myself as a big adult grown up guy. I don’t really feel like a kid, but I still look at my peers who are older than me and feel younger, which is factually true, but then I twist that into how I’m not good enough.
There’s a lot to unpack, but I have to go for now, so I’ll leave things off here on somewhat of an unresolved note. Just remember: don’t let your emotions always control you.
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